i can't live here anymore. in this house. in this town. i'm not getting anywhere, i'm not accomplishing anything. maybe brenda is right....i should just pick up and move to north carolina and live with her and her husband in wilmington. brenda is the only person on this earth who understands me and LOVES me.....i know my family loves me but i'm talking in a different sense. i miss her so much. she came to missouri to visit a couple weeks ago and that was the first time we've seen each other in almost a year after having the same jobs and hanging out every day for over three years. i miss those times.

just a little bit ago i realized how much i miss her when my sister and i got into a really big argument and the first thing i did was call brenda. whenever that happened in the past i would just drive to her house and cry and talk...and she did the same with me....... i'm still a little shaky because of my sister. which is another story...........

my sister has an unpaid debt to me... $1200. and she never gave me any money towards it. wellllll......creditors have been calling and i got letter in the mail from a collections agency for $2000. i got really really pissed and showed her the letter and all she said was "so." omg....i lost it. i went off on her telling her that this is her debt and now my credit is getting fucked because she is irresponsible. then she lashed out at me calling me a fat cow blah blah blah....all the shit my mom used to say to me.....when she did that i just stood there looking at her in disbelief. i could not believe she said that. i was so hurt.....beyond words could explain. i went to my room and started crying uncontrollably. i found myself in the mind set of me, back when i was 15, listening to my mom say those things. i locked myself in my bathroom and had a panic attack. i couldn't stop crying. i was trying to do my makeup while getting ready for work and i couldn't keep my hands from shaking or my eyes from crying.....and i thought to myself "i can't go to work like this....how am i gonna work while crying and trying to concentrate on pizza???" then my cell phone rang, it was my coworker asking if he could work for me today......how ironic is that?? God was listening.....

i guess my sister heard me crying and came to see what was wrong. she looked at me and asked "why are you crying?"....i seriously wanted to slap her across the face. i said "are you seriously asking me that??" she said "i'm sorry," that when she gets angry she finds the meanest things to say to hurt people because she doesn't know how else to handle the situation. i explained to her...(while having a panic attack)...what it does to me when i hear those things, that mentally, i go back 7 years. she said she was really sorry and felt bad as soon as she said it, and asked me to forgive her. of course i did but it still hurts. people think my sister and i have a fucked up relationship. i dunno. maybe we do. but it works for us. she's the loud bitch who doesn't give a shit and i'm the soft hearted one who wants to make sure nobody's feelings get hurt. maybe that's my downfall. i care too much when nobody else does.

i need to move. in my heart i know i need to be somewhere else. brenda and brandon were thinking about moving to florida and want me to come with them if they do. (that's only if brandon gets out of the marines). i would love to go to florida. i've never been there. it's by the ocean and i love that :) hopefully by the new year i've moved and found a man ;).....only time will tell.