wow. for some reason it seems like things are starting to come together....kind of, or not. last week at work i had this total meltdown/breakdown/crying session......it literally came out of nowhere.
so my boss takes me in the office and puts on his psychologist front and starts to analyze my problems..lol. at the time i didn't think it was funny. but at that moment i realized something about myself......(btw this has nothing to do with this but i'm am looooving this new 19" flat screen monitor i have goin here.... :D i can see for miles and don't have to go blind starrin' at the puter.)...............................anywayyyyyy. what i realized was that i have a problem opening up and letting out my feelings. it is sooooo hard for me to express how i'm feeling or try to explain my emotions inside. i guess deep down i think that people are gonna think i'm crazy and that i shouldn't have those feelings. i also think a major part of it goes back to the times with my mom.
even though those times are long gone they still hang heavy in my head.
i've just been feeling worthless because i stilllllllllll live at home and work (what i think) is not a respectable job. i'm tired of pizza. the word pizza. the smell. the taste. the look . the shape.
DELETE!
i can't think. everything that i'm thinking isn't coming together so it makes sense here.
i just wish i could talk to someone and let everything off my chest and tell them my hopes and dreams and wishes without worrying about having to be judged or having them say "well you should do this".....or "that".....or "move out"... duh. i want to . it's not that easy. i've been alone my whole life and i'm used to that. i like being secluded, alone......i think.
help.
i keep listening to the unwinding cable car over and over. and over. when i'm listening to it i can't hear anything else. the words are like, slapping me in my face.
.hear what the silence screams.
.listening for voices but it's the choices that make us who we ARE.
why am i so confused. sometimes i wish i had everything figured out. God talks to me. i know it. i hear it. i see it. in little things. in situations........when i'm alone.
sometimes i feel alone because of THAT. noboby takes God seriously anymore. Why?? i try and talk to my friends but they don't understand. i know they don't....nor do they care. i can tell.
i know i don't do or say the God-liest of things but that doesn't make my any less of a believer.
----->HELLO ALONE<-----
.....the other day when i was working 3 marines came up to me....2 in their cammies and the other in civvies. the guy in his civvies who introduced himself as ryan asked me out of nowhere if i had ever been to california. i was kind of caught off guard but said no. and asked why...
lol....he said i have a hollywood look to me. that i have a very fresh now look...lol. i didn't know what to say. i wanted to say something smart-ass because i thought i was lookin rough and my domino's uniform isn't the sexiest...lol.
but at the same time i was very flattered. i asked him why he thinks that and he said he grew up in the hollywood area his whole life but decided to join the marines. he also mentioned that alot of girls in this area...in his opinion (which i agree too)....are too overdone, that their makeup is too heavy and trampy. he said i did my makeup very well and it looked amazing!
i was severely taken back. WOW. if that isn't a compliment i don't know what is :D
he said i should follow my dreams and stop for nothing.
this post is getting long and pointless. blah blah. i'm excited for next sunday.
i'm outtie.
<3
