i'm exhausted...exhausted of showing that i care when nobody else can do the same in return. even something a simple as to show that my 'friends' have my back and will stand by me no matter what. .....apparently i was wrong. i'm heartbroken and let down more than i thought i ever could feel......my closest friends talk to me like i'm shit. i'm too old for this petty fucking drama. i know i fuck up and make mistakes...i'm not denying that at ALL. i am in no way perfect, i wouldn't want to be.
i don't even know how to put into words how i feel.....i'm so hurt i can explain it. i have no more tears left to cry over them. i love them and care about them with all my heart but apparently that isn't enough!! what more do i have to do?! i'm alone and broken and i have nobody to turn to! nobody to talk to that will just hear me out and let me cry and not judge me. i can't vent to anybody without them putting in their two sense and "i told you so's". i just want and need a good ear and a shoulder to cry on.
i don't have any friends here in springfield..i moved down here knowing literally 3 people. brittany, christina, and my roommate tabitha. and conveniently 2 out of those 3 are the ones giving me all this heartache.. i want nothing more than for them to be happy. i go about shit the wrong way and everything i say and do always comes out wrong no matter how hard i try to explain myself and so therefore i get misunderstood. i don't want to get beaten when i'm down anymore. ...i've been talked to like shit and yelled at my whole life, mainly by my mom and i won't stand it from anybody else. nobody understands me.....as bitter as i am right now towards relationships and love i still believe somewhere deep in me that there is someone out there that can handle my difficultness and be completely amazing to me, as i will do the same in return to them. just give me time, break down my walls....don't rush me or an emotional wall will go up. i'm really great i promise, ......i just get left before anybody can find that out. and it might be my fault for pushing them away. i don't mean to....or even want to! i think i'm scared that somebody will actually love me for me and all that i am. i've been told i'm loved for who i am before but i don't know why it feels so different now.....?? i'm confused and overwhelmed and sometimes i just cry and can't stop.
anyway i'm sorry....to those two people. one day you might see what i've been keeping inside me and you'll know why i do the things i do. but i can't explain it now because nobody will listen. if i do try to explain how i feel it will get thrown back in my face. so for now i'm just saying sorry for the way i am and i'm sorry i can't be what you want....i've only ever tried to be the best friend that i could and be there for you and listen to anything you had to say, try to make you smile when you were sad or pissed off....... have your back and above all see you happy....i only ever want to see the people i love be happy.
please don't be mad at me......i need you in my life. i hope you can say the same for me............i love you.
