question's and doubt's....what to do??

oh wow....i shock myself sometimes with the things i do.. after telling myself over and over i wasn't gonna make a move and that i needed some breathing room because she was so persistent i made the first move anyway. i don't know why, maybe it was the way she looked at me before she left. i don't want things to move so fast i get overwhelmed....and so far it's kinda gone that way..ugh. i'm pulling the 'let's go slow' card. yes. ok. time for bed. ......hmm.

blah.

i can't even type how i feel and shit still gets deleted.! sooo annoyed.

fuck my life!!!! i just spent all this time writing a blog and just sayin how i feel bout shit and the fucking computer just shut off.....ughh!! damnit i'm not typing all that shit again, i can't even rememeber what all i was sayin i was on a roll :( bullshit man for real. i'm outtie.....

you're my perfect little punching bag

i'm exhausted...exhausted of showing that i care when nobody else can do the same in return. even something a simple as to show that my 'friends' have my back and will stand by me no matter what. .....apparently i was wrong. i'm heartbroken and let down more than i thought i ever could feel......my closest friends talk to me like i'm shit. i'm too old for this petty fucking drama. i know i fuck up and make mistakes...i'm not denying that at ALL. i am in no way perfect, i wouldn't want to be.

i don't even know how to put into words how i feel.....i'm so hurt i can explain it. i have no more tears left to cry over them. i love them and care about them with all my heart but apparently that isn't enough!! what more do i have to do?! i'm alone and broken and i have nobody to turn to! nobody to talk to that will just hear me out and let me cry and not judge me. i can't vent to anybody without them putting in their two sense and "i told you so's". i just want and need a good ear and a shoulder to cry on.

i don't have any friends here in springfield..i moved down here knowing literally 3 people. brittany, christina, and my roommate tabitha. and conveniently 2 out of those 3 are the ones giving me all this heartache.. i want nothing more than for them to be happy. i go about shit the wrong way and everything i say and do always comes out wrong no matter how hard i try to explain myself and so therefore i get misunderstood. i don't want to get beaten when i'm down anymore. ...i've been talked to like shit and yelled at my whole life, mainly by my mom and i won't stand it from anybody else. nobody understands me.....as bitter as i am right now towards relationships and love i still believe somewhere deep in me that there is someone out there that can handle my difficultness and be completely amazing to me, as i will do the same in return to them. just give me time, break down my walls....don't rush me or an emotional wall will go up. i'm really great i promise, ......i just get left before anybody can find that out. and it might be my fault for pushing them away. i don't mean to....or even want to! i think i'm scared that somebody will actually love me for me and all that i am. i've been told i'm loved for who i am before but i don't know why it feels so different now.....?? i'm confused and overwhelmed and sometimes i just cry and can't stop.



anyway i'm sorry....to those two people. one day you might see what i've been keeping inside me and you'll know why i do the things i do. but i can't explain it now because nobody will listen. if i do try to explain how i feel it will get thrown back in my face. so for now i'm just saying sorry for the way i am and i'm sorry i can't be what you want....i've only ever tried to be the best friend that i could and be there for you and listen to anything you had to say, try to make you smile when you were sad or pissed off....... have your back and above all see you happy....i only ever want to see the people i love be happy.

please don't be mad at me......i need you in my life. i hope you can say the same for me............i love you.

crash and burn.

i don't know where to begin...for starters i'm crying, listening to my ipod. lately i've been feeling myself sink back into my old habits. i've been drinking alot more and staying up all night crying. i really don't want to be depressed, i felt like i got out of that....like when i lost all the weight i was happy. i focused on myself and my health and nothing else and i was ok. but now that i'm past that and i'm at a steady weight i'm slipping.....i let myself go when i eat and i want to drink every night. i'm not an alcoholic or anything; i don't depend on it just kinda of like a quick fix that doesn't really fix anything...................which doesn't make sense so i don't know why i think that.

i'm confused. i'm lost. i'm broken.

i feel like my heart has given up on me.

more and more everyday i feel like i am not good enough for anybody...like seriously. everytime i try to pursue a relationship it seems to go really well until serious feelings form and them i'm left hanging on a feeling. i get left...always.

maybe i'm doing everything wrong or i'm stupid or something....i don't know what it is.

i know this sounds weird but the past couiple movies i've seen i can reallllllly relate to my own life......so madagascar 2 and nick and norah's infinite playlist are like pretty much my life.

yeah.

......i don't know how else to put how i feel except that i'm heartbroken.

...you're playing with my delirium.

i'm beginning to see that i'm the person that everybody takes for granted when they have me and then realizes what they're missing when i'm gone...

but maybe that's my fault for letting that happen...like i'm too nice of a person. i don't know. lately i've been told that i'm a bitch and an ass....whatev. it's those people who "take me for granted" that made me that way. what am i supposed to do?.....allow myself to be walked all over my whole life???!!

no.

i've done it enough and i'm tired of being hurt and screwed over just because i care about other people's feelings...and since i've been acting like a ..."heartless bitch" everybody seems to be noticing me more..which sucks because i don't want to be known as that. it just kinda happened that way.

my intentions are never to hurt anybody but it doesn't always seem that way when it comes to me..the "i love you" always seems to come into play. ...a hook if you will...to reel me in, and keep me. to keep me on a string when the other person is ready for my love...

i can't do it. when i go in i go all the way....when i say i love you i mean it with everything in me.

it kills me. it hurts. i don't even know what's real anymore. when i think it is and i feel happy....the all telling "perma-grin"....i get slapped in the face. almost like saying "ha! you dumb bitch...you thought you could get away with being happy!!" .................no.

fucking lesbians.

girls break hearts just as badly as guys...i can't win.

either way i can't win. nope. not me.

procrastinator

wow i need to update........i'll do it eventually.

this is the first time i've been on this thing in over a year :

i may never find......

?

<3