i don't know what to title this post (??) i'm so drunk and sad right now i don't care...

if you say something than mean it. don't say it then completely do another............i'm am sooooooo currently pissed off right now i don't even know where to begin.

well............................ for starters. it's 7:45 am and i'm stilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll awake/drunk....again. kill me. i can't cry anymore. it's so much work. i just want to love. love. i love to love. it's me. that is me. yes or no yes or no. just tell me the fucking truth. i don't want to cry. i can handle the damn truth.

nobody has ever broken me down like you have.

foolish.

natalie passed out before me. my best friend. trust. trust. loyalty. that's all i ask. friends forever.

cry. who knew that 23 would be such a journey. God knows me. He knows all my hopes and dreams....................................

i feel like i'm loosing my sister. i don't talk to her harldy anymore. i miss my niece more than anyting in this world...................................................i wonder if anybody can relate??

it's a struggle to keep in touch with her. i just want to hold tatyana and play with her and watch the backyardigans. without the birth of her i would be a totally different person. i see life through a child's eyes. amazing. i can love again. i can love.

if hope could only find me out......................................................

nobody understands.

i wish my mom would ask about me. what i want and desire in life...........but instead alllllllllllllllll she talks about when i speak with her is sonia and tatyana and how i NEED to talk to some sense into sonia and make her realize!!!! what the hell..........i'm no saint. does anybody care at all>???

nobody cared in high school. i hated high school..........................---->the worst years of my life.

it's my nature to love. i guess i get that from my dad....my dad is the most understanding most kind hearted person i've ever know in my life. and for that my dad will always be my hero. everybody makes mistakes.

i want to be a kid again...................... go back to the times where i would build a fort in the woods and bury my barbies in the garden under the tomato plants. :) those times are over. the times when i thought my parents loved each other. the times when we went on family picnics and went to six flags.

i never want to fall out of love........my mom said that her and my dad got a divorce because they 'fell out of love'..........who falls out of love??? ........................my parents. i NEVER want that to happen. never. i'm passionate. nobody will probably ever know that. SMILE!!!

things are changing. I am changing for the better. i love myself. i love God. i always have.........it's just becoming more relevant now.

i'm never letting go of this feeling.

realizing. knowing. accepting. loving.

why am i crying? there has been so much on my mind lately i don't know how to deal with it all.....................family drama. realizing alot about myself. jelousy. i don't know. i feel lost. hopeless in this state of mind. it probably doesn't help that i'm currently kinda drunk. i've been drinking.

i need to talk. nobody will listen. if i talk i'm complaining.

my mom just told me, acutally, she sent me an email and she mentioned that when i was in the hospital years ago.......8 years ago when i was in high school i had a severe asthma attack and almost died.......pretty much. i kept blacking out because i wasn't breathing...blah blah blah. anyway. my mom said that when i was in the hospital she called my tato (grandpa) to tell him that i was very sick...........and he didn't care. he didn't call to check on me or to see how i was doing. --->i never knew that.

my best friend who lived in germay at the time even made the time to call me. i never knew he didn't care. i kinda figured that seeing that none our family has spoken to him in almost 10 years...........................................................................................i don't know where i was going with this. (???????????????????)

i think i'm scared. of the future. not knowing what's ahead. i always plan ahead....eveything's on the calendar written down so i don't forget; i know what's gonna happen. concert. work. conert. work. groceries. concert. work. work. work. work. work. concert. blah. drunk. i'm not gonna fucking post this.

lame.

my candle just burned out.

i've made lifestyle changes. some people notice. i guess that's good. i've lost weight. alot i guess. my mom's proud of me for once in my life; she says i'm too pretty to be "heavy" and that i deserve to look like a million bucks. i don't know. i think i might believe her. it's hard to tell. seeing that she called me a fat worthless pig all througout high school..... (???) it's too much to take in. i don't know how to put into words how i feel. it sounds so good in my head and i try to say it and everything i say is blah blah blah. nothing. whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

i never knew this was a part of life. knowing myself. learning about myself. loving. accepting. it's all overwhelming. i need a new car. mine is about to die. i drive wayyyy too damn much. my mind is totally wondering. i can't think straight. i'm listening to depressing music. lame shit. beer.

sometimes i wonder how some people can have life so figured out. like.........what did they have to experience in life to get there>>??? i don't know.....as for me i don't want to 'figure' life out. that would be boring. i hate boring. am i boring?? that would suck if i am. my foot is asleep. lol....i'm actually not laughing out loud. why did i put that?

i'm listening to kate havnevik. i don't know the relevance to this. kaleidoscope. this is gonna be the longest most pointless post ever in history of post posting.

i still can't believe how far i've come in the last year. i don't hate myself or life anymore. sometimes i think back to a few years ago and i wonder how i ever got so depressed. well, i know how but, that's another story.


this all makes me sound emotionally/mentally unstable. but i'm not. i swear. i've just been needing to get this out. i've been keeping it in for so long and i think for all these years it what has been keeping me down. i'm accepting my past and using it to better my future. that's how i see it. hopefully somebody else does too.

quote

kaleidoscope

for the past few days this is the only song i have been listening to......

you cut me out in little stars

and place me in the sky

i loose my sense of time

you know me

how troubled i can be

but through your kaleidoscope

i let go

cause you show me

the world as it could be

through your kaleidoscope

it's beautiful

a tingle travels up my spine

a cluster of colours entwine

as we melt into one

you know me

how troubled i can be

but through your kaleidoscope

i let go

cause you show me

the world as it could be

through your kaleidoscope

it's beautiful

kaleidoscope - kate havnevik

--the rest of the album is as equally amazing, but this song and also "i don't know you" are currently my favorites :)