realizing. knowing. accepting. loving.

why am i crying? there has been so much on my mind lately i don't know how to deal with it all.....................family drama. realizing alot about myself. jelousy. i don't know. i feel lost. hopeless in this state of mind. it probably doesn't help that i'm currently kinda drunk. i've been drinking.

i need to talk. nobody will listen. if i talk i'm complaining.

my mom just told me, acutally, she sent me an email and she mentioned that when i was in the hospital years ago.......8 years ago when i was in high school i had a severe asthma attack and almost died.......pretty much. i kept blacking out because i wasn't breathing...blah blah blah. anyway. my mom said that when i was in the hospital she called my tato (grandpa) to tell him that i was very sick...........and he didn't care. he didn't call to check on me or to see how i was doing. --->i never knew that.

my best friend who lived in germay at the time even made the time to call me. i never knew he didn't care. i kinda figured that seeing that none our family has spoken to him in almost 10 years...........................................................................................i don't know where i was going with this. (???????????????????)

i think i'm scared. of the future. not knowing what's ahead. i always plan ahead....eveything's on the calendar written down so i don't forget; i know what's gonna happen. concert. work. conert. work. groceries. concert. work. work. work. work. work. concert. blah. drunk. i'm not gonna fucking post this.

lame.

my candle just burned out.

i've made lifestyle changes. some people notice. i guess that's good. i've lost weight. alot i guess. my mom's proud of me for once in my life; she says i'm too pretty to be "heavy" and that i deserve to look like a million bucks. i don't know. i think i might believe her. it's hard to tell. seeing that she called me a fat worthless pig all througout high school..... (???) it's too much to take in. i don't know how to put into words how i feel. it sounds so good in my head and i try to say it and everything i say is blah blah blah. nothing. whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

i never knew this was a part of life. knowing myself. learning about myself. loving. accepting. it's all overwhelming. i need a new car. mine is about to die. i drive wayyyy too damn much. my mind is totally wondering. i can't think straight. i'm listening to depressing music. lame shit. beer.

sometimes i wonder how some people can have life so figured out. like.........what did they have to experience in life to get there>>??? i don't know.....as for me i don't want to 'figure' life out. that would be boring. i hate boring. am i boring?? that would suck if i am. my foot is asleep. lol....i'm actually not laughing out loud. why did i put that?

i'm listening to kate havnevik. i don't know the relevance to this. kaleidoscope. this is gonna be the longest most pointless post ever in history of post posting.

i still can't believe how far i've come in the last year. i don't hate myself or life anymore. sometimes i think back to a few years ago and i wonder how i ever got so depressed. well, i know how but, that's another story.


this all makes me sound emotionally/mentally unstable. but i'm not. i swear. i've just been needing to get this out. i've been keeping it in for so long and i think for all these years it what has been keeping me down. i'm accepting my past and using it to better my future. that's how i see it. hopefully somebody else does too.