we'll sleep when we die

where i'm at in my life i feel like nobody else knows what i'm going through....i try to talk to my sister but she doesn't see where i'm coming from. i think the only person who even slightly understands is natalie. alot of what i'm feeling lately are my newfound emotions towards God and my beliefs. i'm seeing the bigger picture in a lot of things and i'm slowly learing to love and accept myself for who i am but it's still really really hard with all those reminders of things said to me in the past hovering in the back of my head for me to constantly ponder on.....blah blah blah i've said this all before. but for some reason i truly feel me changing and i'm anxious to see what happens. hopefully 2007 will be one of the best years ever for me because there is a lot i'm already looking forward too for the new year. i just need to get through the rest of this month first. i'm just sooooo stressed out over christmas and upcoming bills and such :/......i feel like i wanna rip my hair out and cry for days..........................................

i'm listening to anchor and braille, mostly sleeping......my fav :)....... i have it downsized as i type this......it's relaxing. i can listen to over and over :D

past, present, and maybe future??

when i look back on the old posts i have written i realize now how much i have changed....the way i think, the way i feel.....just a lot of things....damn......... and how crazy is this...............i'm listening to music and have it on random and paper thin hymn just came on :) i can listen to this song over and over again and never get sick of it. ANYWAY. back to what i was saying.....

it's weird to think that i felt that only....6 months ago. and to see in myself how much i have changed and the way i feel about things. i'm ok with life now. i'm not in a rush. i'm taking it day by day...always looking forward to see what God has in store for me. i'm just concentrating on being the best aunt i can be to tatyana and helping sonia with her. that's my main concern right now. i would do anything in the world for my niece and having the opportunity to see her grow and discover things is the best gift in the world.....just a couple days ago sonia and i were at the store and tatyana was with sonia and i wondered off to look at make-up (big surprise there..lol) anyway i hear "NAAYYUH"..tatyana said my name...OMG!! i almost cried.

i can't really explain what happened that i feel so different it just kinda happened :) everything seems to be falling into place...and even though i know it's probably gonna take years to 'see' everything...i'm ok with that.

another thing that happened recently that kinda threw me wayyyyy off guard....my mom told me she can tell i'm loosing weight...wow. i have been working on myself....i've been eating ALOT healthier, taking diet pills and.....kinda getting exercise...i guess. lol. she came to dominos the other day to see me and she told me that i'm looking great and she can definitely tell a difference in my face and the way my clothes fit....and that whatever i'm doing to keep it and don't loose faith because it's working. i didn't know what to say. honestly i was blown away. hearing that from my MOM! OMG. considering what she used to say to me it's quite the 360. i probably gave her the biggest hug i have ever given her and it felt so good to hear my mom say something like that and truly mean it. all of that makes me want to continue......i feel good. it's just too bad nobody else notices. i dunno. maybe mr. wonderful will walk into my life. at this point i really don't care but i would be nice to have somebody and hear that i'm beautiful every once in a while. But......i'm not holding my breath. if i do i might die of suffocation or something.....haha.

until then i'm just gonna work on myself. HE has to find me. i'm done looking ;) peace out.

random

i have to say i'm really nervous for the upcoming holiday season. i am so stressed about my money and the presents i'm going to get. i haven't even gotten cards yet :/....i'm really pushin' it. blah. kill me. today pretty much sucked. it's been snowing and freezing rain all day and night. my car is blocked in by snow and it's frozen solid. i hate this time of year. this would be the perfect time to be somewhere in florida :D which brings me to miami!!! some of my friends and i are going to miami for new years. hells yes!! i'm sooo excited. i've never been to florida.....or anywhere. lol. i have to fly though and that makes me nervous. i haven't been on a plane in almost 13 years and i don't really remember what it's like. i just hope i can pull of saving my money for miami and still have money for christmas shopping....butttttt i think i'm pretty sure i can do it :/ hopefully. i'm gonna have to cut out a few shows i was planning on going to and end up going into work instead. blah....

oh. and i had the weirdest dream last night..... but i don't feel like typing details so........whatever :)

and i'm really hungry for a jack burger from tgi friday's....mmmmn. i hate living in this small ass town. gayyyyyyyyyyyy. nothing to do except go to the lame ass wannabe clubs and get drunk off your ass....hahaha.

and another thing :) the other day i when i was working i stopped at mobil to get a red bull---sugar free of course ;)....and ran into this dude i went to high school with that me and natalie saw at the club the night before...well, we start talking and he's like'where's natalie..blah blah blah. and then he said something about high school and i was like "yeah i know i went to school with you"...he was like you did? i was like 'uhhh yea....my name is nadia....veres??" whatever. fucking idiot redneck cowboy big fugly truck drivin' cheap beer drinkin' dumbass ;) he had no idea who i was after four years of seein me everyday. okie dokie....my eyes are droopy. i'm going to bed.

<333