today

is a good day.

as the rush comes

i'm scared of how much i can love. my heart is speaking to me now. i've never noticed it before. i've been feeling dead inside for so long, this feeling of............alive, is taking me over................ and i'm afraid i might push it away like i have with so many other feelings. i want this one to stay.

tonight natalie and i went out to the rockin' r for an hour or so,....... and with alll the pretty, skinny, over-done girls there, i was being told that i was beautiful, a new feeling for me to feel. i guess the fact that i'm halfway comfotable with myself shows, and people notice. i'm not used to people noticing me. i've always been the outcast; blending in with the faces. feeling like i have no identity..but my identity is me, and i know this now.

it's crazy thinking how much i've changed. only God knows what has happened and the events that have changed me. i love this. I. LOVE. i see beauty in everybody and everything. an open heart and an open mind is essential to live. there are only a few people in this world who know how i feel, and a couple of those people i may never have to opportunity to have a decent conversation with.

sometimes when you meet somebody there is something you see in them that is undeniable......almost addictive, and you can't ignore it. you try to look away, turn your attention elsewhere, but your mind is still in those eyes; your heart beats faster..................eyes. addictive eyes.

i admit when i meet guys i look for husband qualities. and if they don't meet those qualities i disregard them, maybe that's completely shallow of me, but my heart knows what i want and need. I'VE always known that there is more for me out there than what is here in this town. i've always had the feeling that God had a greater plan for me and that my life and love is not here. i've been feeling that way for years now and that feeling is becoming more and more apparent each and every day.

*it's you and me tonight..............leave it all behind. let's go for a ride.*

i smile everyday. i've never been in REAL love. i've never let it go that far. i guess because i knew deep down that "guy" wasn't the one...............................i dont' know (????)/ i confuse myself sometimes.............

i'm just going to see what God has in store for me right now. whatever happens................................................... happens. i'm ready.

one thing i've learned is never take yourself too serioulsy because where's the fun in that? you don't have to be an angel, just have fun, and most importantly, love :D.

i love love. eyes. sparkle. smile. light. movement. sing. laugh. smile. genuine. loyal. friendship. love. hear. speak. listen. awknowledge. accept. beauty. life. music. words. glances. touch. passion. faith. heart. travel. sounds. feel. addiction. learn. love.

love.

my niece tatyana.

a reason to smile.

tests on my heart

"I don't want you to save me, cause what if you did?Then you would succeed, and then you'd get bored and leave.I'd be back at square one, and that is such a bad place to begin." tests on my heart- Umbrellas

square one. that would suck.......for me at least. i never want to go back to the way i used to feel or think. i never in a million years would've thought that it would be possible for me to say that I am happy. life isn't as bad as i made it out to be. God was testing me. i know this now. i needed to figure things out on my own and look for the person i was hiding from................ myself.

i use to hear the saying " you have to know and love yourself before anybody else can"....alllllllllll the time. and i never believed it to be true. i always thought "why?" people go into relationships without loving themselves all the time and their significant other helps bring out the good in them............................................ or so i thought.

i didn't love myself before. i SAID i did....all the time, but i really didn't. i was lying to myself and everybody around me. i realize if i was in a relationship a year ago, i wouldn't have been happy or have been able to make someone else happy. because i know now that i didn't know ME, or love me.

i was talking to natalie about this the other day and she feels the same way. i explained to her that i, in general, am a much happier person. God is in my life, He always has been, i just never awknowleged Him. when we were talking i mentioned the "you have to love yourself.........." and we got to talking. when you go into a relationship and you don't know yourself you become dependant on the other person to make you happy because you don't know any other happiness within yourself, you'll end up becoming that other person. you need to know what makes YOU happy first and discover what you love and what you're passionate about!! I'M LEARNING this very thing. omg. my brain hurts.

i don't NEED somebody to make me happy. it would be nice to share experiences with somebody you care about. hopefully one day that will happen.......................................love could be good.

i seriously don't know where all this is coming from......the depths of my heart i guess. I'M COMING OUT OF HIDING!! :)

life doesn't suck. i'm realizing now that living in this town isn't ALL that bad. yeah i would LOOOOVE to go somewhere else, but for now here is good. i'm content. natalie and i are moving in together this summer......it'll be good. it's about that time................. i'm anxious and nervous. right now i live at home yet i live alone.......it's weird. it's just my dad and we work different parts of the day. i do what i want here. i buy groceries. cook. clean. do laundry. i maintain my car and bills. i just live here......lol.

i never knew love before. i didn't even know if it was real........with my family, myself, or someone else. i do know the time i've been spending by myself reading, and praying, and talking.....................................listening. HEARING. has so far been the best of my life.

*things are gonna change now for the BETTER*.....................yes.

(thank you stephen)

<3

my ears are happy

.current musical favs.


umbrellas- boston white, ships, & tests on my heart

kate havnevik- kaleidoscope

dredg-not that simple

this day & age- second place victory & the bell and the hammer

bloc party- i still remember & sunday

acceptance- so contagious

incubus- dig & echo

anberlin- paperthin hymn & (*fin)

the almost- amazing because it is

meg & dia- nineteen stars

silversun pickups- rusted wheel

maria taylor- xanax

young love- nameless one

sleeping is overrated.

once again.........5:45 am and i'm awake. the past few nights i have not gotten any decent sleep. my mind is going even after i close my eyes. i toss and turn and try to focus on sleeping but my mind won't stop, and even after i do fall asleep, i dream of what was keeping me awake.

God is sending my signs in everything. more-so than i have probably ever seen. and for once i'm alert and i know...........i believe everything happens for a reason; there is no such thing as a coincidence.

you really DO have to know and love yourself before anybody else can. i think back and i wonder if i was in a realtionship with the mentality i had back then compared to what i know now, nothing good would've come out of it. i pushed people away when they started to get too close to me......friends and guys. i guess there was a comfort dating militay men knowing that they would only be here for a short period.....b/c after here they moved on. i kept myself guarded wayyyyy too much. i was scared. i hated myself. i thought God hated me. --->i honestly don't why i ever thought that. i always asked God "why me?"......"why does my mom hate me?....why doesn't she ever say she loves me?"

i wanted to hear 'i love you' so bad sometimes i would cry. some people use the word "love" too loosely. it holds too much emotion and meaning for me (i do not say it unless i truly mean it).

i'm past that now. i dwelled on what my mom thought of me for so long and i got lost in her negative words. i didn't know what else i could possibly be, or even become.

i do know i am myself......... still searching. still learning. all it took for me to realize this were inspirational words from an eye opening post from a friend, and that forever changed my life.

i will sleep well.

concert memories/survey thing.

i found this on a girl's myspace and it looked fun......something different for a change :)

CONCERT SURVEY

FIRST CONCERT ATTENDED:
SUGAR RAY lol.

WHAT YEAR WAS IT AND HOW OLD WERE YOU? may 31, 2002 my 18th birthday.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO GO TO A CONCERT WITH A PARENT, AND WERE YOU EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT? nope. never had to.

WHAT OTHER CONCERTS HAVE YOU BEEN TO? omg a bazillion. i've seen over 100 bands....it'll take too long to list.

WHAT CONCERTS DO YOU WANT TO SEE THAT YOU HAVEN'T? i would like to see snow partol. INCUBUS......the shins! that would be awesome..... imogen heap. and paul wall. a bunch others probably. i'm always up for a concert. maybe something a little bit more on the chill side for a change. or even tim mcgraw or rascal flatts :) totally.

HAVE YOU SEEN ANY BANDS MORE THAN ONCE? WHO ARE THEY, AND HOW MANY TIMES? i've seen ALOT of bands more than once......but the most is Anberlin=13 SOTY=9 Good Charlotte=8 Bleed the Dream=8 Classic Crime=7

HAVE YOU EVER MET ANY BANDS, AND IF SO, WHO? i've met pretty much every band i've seen, kind of, with the exception of the random bands i've seen on warped and didn't have the opportunity too....................

DO YOU HAVE ANY SIGNED MEMORABILLIA FROM SHOWS, AND IF SO, WHAT? ummmmm....i have signed concert stubs and cd inserts from SOTY, NFG, GC, MEST, MCS, OK GO, BTD....blah blah.......oh! and good charlotte signed my parking ticket that i got in ohio when i was in the show :D good times, they laughed.

DO YOU BUY SOMETHING (OTHER THAN YOUR TICKET, OF COURSE) WHEN YOU SEE SHOWS? i hardly ever buy merch. i might randomly grad a sticker or something.....or if i like a band i haven't seen before i might get the cd then. that's about it.

WHAT IS THE MOST YOU'VE EVER PAID FOR CONCERT TICKETS, AND WHO WERE THEY FOR? either taste of chaos or gc in canada.

HAVE YOU EVER WON CONCERT TICKETS, AND IF SO, FOR WHAT CONCERT? never won tickets.....i've on the guest list a couple times though. if that counts :)

WHAT IS THE BEST CONCERT YOU'VE EVER BEEN TO? anberlin....obvs. soty. good charlotte is good; i don't care what anybody says, i like em better in concert tho. saosin. madina lake. greeley. CLASSIC CRIME!! :D & CHEVELLE!! shiny toy guns was awesome..meg & dia (sooo cute on stage......me and natalie talked to them in the bathroom at the creepy -random..lol) still remains was insane; that's all i can say about that :P

WHAT IS THE WORST? omg maxeen in houston....sorry to any maxeen fans but i wanted to shoot myself. LOOOOONGEST 30 mins. of my life. i seriously slept. my bad :

HOW FAR IS THE FURTHEST YOU'VE TRAVELED TO SEE A CONCERT? wow...ummm how bout 12 hours to toronto canada. or just about the same to houston. and then cincinnati is next, but that's only maybe 8 hrs including the time difference. i'd drive there again. what can i say, i like to travel/drive/see new places & faces :)

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CONCERT VENUE? love the creepy, it's small and intimate. i also like warehouse live in houston, it smells good in there. bogarts is fun. i like the area the granada is in (lots of shopping and cool like shops to look in)...........the one in columbus ohio on the campus (can't remember the name)---->there's an urban outfitters and starbucks right around the corner :) Oh! and the blue note. lots of fun memories there :D

DO YOU SAVE YOUR TICKET STUBS? yup.

WHAT IS YOUR FONDEST CONCERT MEMORY? anything anberlin and talking to stephen. sneaking in to see trapt : lol. natalie breaking her hand in the pit during soty. getting drunk with bleed the dream. loosing my car keys in the pit in tulsa during anberlin (not good, but security found them for me) ......advice on men and other random stuff from justin from the classic crime. brenda getting her eyebrow split and a bloody nose during still remains. and also----can't forget this!!!! being in the 'live in the lou' (soty) dvd!! yup :)

DO YOU HAVE ANY CONCERTS COMING UP? bleed the dream next week and then none till warped in dallas :)