tests on my heart

"I don't want you to save me, cause what if you did?Then you would succeed, and then you'd get bored and leave.I'd be back at square one, and that is such a bad place to begin." tests on my heart- Umbrellas

square one. that would suck.......for me at least. i never want to go back to the way i used to feel or think. i never in a million years would've thought that it would be possible for me to say that I am happy. life isn't as bad as i made it out to be. God was testing me. i know this now. i needed to figure things out on my own and look for the person i was hiding from................ myself.

i use to hear the saying " you have to know and love yourself before anybody else can"....alllllllllll the time. and i never believed it to be true. i always thought "why?" people go into relationships without loving themselves all the time and their significant other helps bring out the good in them............................................ or so i thought.

i didn't love myself before. i SAID i did....all the time, but i really didn't. i was lying to myself and everybody around me. i realize if i was in a relationship a year ago, i wouldn't have been happy or have been able to make someone else happy. because i know now that i didn't know ME, or love me.

i was talking to natalie about this the other day and she feels the same way. i explained to her that i, in general, am a much happier person. God is in my life, He always has been, i just never awknowleged Him. when we were talking i mentioned the "you have to love yourself.........." and we got to talking. when you go into a relationship and you don't know yourself you become dependant on the other person to make you happy because you don't know any other happiness within yourself, you'll end up becoming that other person. you need to know what makes YOU happy first and discover what you love and what you're passionate about!! I'M LEARNING this very thing. omg. my brain hurts.

i don't NEED somebody to make me happy. it would be nice to share experiences with somebody you care about. hopefully one day that will happen.......................................love could be good.

i seriously don't know where all this is coming from......the depths of my heart i guess. I'M COMING OUT OF HIDING!! :)

life doesn't suck. i'm realizing now that living in this town isn't ALL that bad. yeah i would LOOOOVE to go somewhere else, but for now here is good. i'm content. natalie and i are moving in together this summer......it'll be good. it's about that time................. i'm anxious and nervous. right now i live at home yet i live alone.......it's weird. it's just my dad and we work different parts of the day. i do what i want here. i buy groceries. cook. clean. do laundry. i maintain my car and bills. i just live here......lol.

i never knew love before. i didn't even know if it was real........with my family, myself, or someone else. i do know the time i've been spending by myself reading, and praying, and talking.....................................listening. HEARING. has so far been the best of my life.

*things are gonna change now for the BETTER*.....................yes.

(thank you stephen)

<3