as the rush comes

i'm scared of how much i can love. my heart is speaking to me now. i've never noticed it before. i've been feeling dead inside for so long, this feeling of............alive, is taking me over................ and i'm afraid i might push it away like i have with so many other feelings. i want this one to stay.

tonight natalie and i went out to the rockin' r for an hour or so,....... and with alll the pretty, skinny, over-done girls there, i was being told that i was beautiful, a new feeling for me to feel. i guess the fact that i'm halfway comfotable with myself shows, and people notice. i'm not used to people noticing me. i've always been the outcast; blending in with the faces. feeling like i have no identity..but my identity is me, and i know this now.

it's crazy thinking how much i've changed. only God knows what has happened and the events that have changed me. i love this. I. LOVE. i see beauty in everybody and everything. an open heart and an open mind is essential to live. there are only a few people in this world who know how i feel, and a couple of those people i may never have to opportunity to have a decent conversation with.

sometimes when you meet somebody there is something you see in them that is undeniable......almost addictive, and you can't ignore it. you try to look away, turn your attention elsewhere, but your mind is still in those eyes; your heart beats faster..................eyes. addictive eyes.

i admit when i meet guys i look for husband qualities. and if they don't meet those qualities i disregard them, maybe that's completely shallow of me, but my heart knows what i want and need. I'VE always known that there is more for me out there than what is here in this town. i've always had the feeling that God had a greater plan for me and that my life and love is not here. i've been feeling that way for years now and that feeling is becoming more and more apparent each and every day.

*it's you and me tonight..............leave it all behind. let's go for a ride.*

i smile everyday. i've never been in REAL love. i've never let it go that far. i guess because i knew deep down that "guy" wasn't the one...............................i dont' know (????)/ i confuse myself sometimes.............

i'm just going to see what God has in store for me right now. whatever happens................................................... happens. i'm ready.

one thing i've learned is never take yourself too serioulsy because where's the fun in that? you don't have to be an angel, just have fun, and most importantly, love :D.

i love love. eyes. sparkle. smile. light. movement. sing. laugh. smile. genuine. loyal. friendship. love. hear. speak. listen. awknowledge. accept. beauty. life. music. words. glances. touch. passion. faith. heart. travel. sounds. feel. addiction. learn. love.