sleeping is overrated.

once again.........5:45 am and i'm awake. the past few nights i have not gotten any decent sleep. my mind is going even after i close my eyes. i toss and turn and try to focus on sleeping but my mind won't stop, and even after i do fall asleep, i dream of what was keeping me awake.

God is sending my signs in everything. more-so than i have probably ever seen. and for once i'm alert and i know...........i believe everything happens for a reason; there is no such thing as a coincidence.

you really DO have to know and love yourself before anybody else can. i think back and i wonder if i was in a realtionship with the mentality i had back then compared to what i know now, nothing good would've come out of it. i pushed people away when they started to get too close to me......friends and guys. i guess there was a comfort dating militay men knowing that they would only be here for a short period.....b/c after here they moved on. i kept myself guarded wayyyyy too much. i was scared. i hated myself. i thought God hated me. --->i honestly don't why i ever thought that. i always asked God "why me?"......"why does my mom hate me?....why doesn't she ever say she loves me?"

i wanted to hear 'i love you' so bad sometimes i would cry. some people use the word "love" too loosely. it holds too much emotion and meaning for me (i do not say it unless i truly mean it).

i'm past that now. i dwelled on what my mom thought of me for so long and i got lost in her negative words. i didn't know what else i could possibly be, or even become.

i do know i am myself......... still searching. still learning. all it took for me to realize this were inspirational words from an eye opening post from a friend, and that forever changed my life.

i will sleep well.