we'll sleep when we die

where i'm at in my life i feel like nobody else knows what i'm going through....i try to talk to my sister but she doesn't see where i'm coming from. i think the only person who even slightly understands is natalie. alot of what i'm feeling lately are my newfound emotions towards God and my beliefs. i'm seeing the bigger picture in a lot of things and i'm slowly learing to love and accept myself for who i am but it's still really really hard with all those reminders of things said to me in the past hovering in the back of my head for me to constantly ponder on.....blah blah blah i've said this all before. but for some reason i truly feel me changing and i'm anxious to see what happens. hopefully 2007 will be one of the best years ever for me because there is a lot i'm already looking forward too for the new year. i just need to get through the rest of this month first. i'm just sooooo stressed out over christmas and upcoming bills and such :/......i feel like i wanna rip my hair out and cry for days..........................................

i'm listening to anchor and braille, mostly sleeping......my fav :)....... i have it downsized as i type this......it's relaxing. i can listen to over and over :D

past, present, and maybe future??

when i look back on the old posts i have written i realize now how much i have changed....the way i think, the way i feel.....just a lot of things....damn......... and how crazy is this...............i'm listening to music and have it on random and paper thin hymn just came on :) i can listen to this song over and over again and never get sick of it. ANYWAY. back to what i was saying.....

it's weird to think that i felt that only....6 months ago. and to see in myself how much i have changed and the way i feel about things. i'm ok with life now. i'm not in a rush. i'm taking it day by day...always looking forward to see what God has in store for me. i'm just concentrating on being the best aunt i can be to tatyana and helping sonia with her. that's my main concern right now. i would do anything in the world for my niece and having the opportunity to see her grow and discover things is the best gift in the world.....just a couple days ago sonia and i were at the store and tatyana was with sonia and i wondered off to look at make-up (big surprise there..lol) anyway i hear "NAAYYUH"..tatyana said my name...OMG!! i almost cried.

i can't really explain what happened that i feel so different it just kinda happened :) everything seems to be falling into place...and even though i know it's probably gonna take years to 'see' everything...i'm ok with that.

another thing that happened recently that kinda threw me wayyyyy off guard....my mom told me she can tell i'm loosing weight...wow. i have been working on myself....i've been eating ALOT healthier, taking diet pills and.....kinda getting exercise...i guess. lol. she came to dominos the other day to see me and she told me that i'm looking great and she can definitely tell a difference in my face and the way my clothes fit....and that whatever i'm doing to keep it and don't loose faith because it's working. i didn't know what to say. honestly i was blown away. hearing that from my MOM! OMG. considering what she used to say to me it's quite the 360. i probably gave her the biggest hug i have ever given her and it felt so good to hear my mom say something like that and truly mean it. all of that makes me want to continue......i feel good. it's just too bad nobody else notices. i dunno. maybe mr. wonderful will walk into my life. at this point i really don't care but i would be nice to have somebody and hear that i'm beautiful every once in a while. But......i'm not holding my breath. if i do i might die of suffocation or something.....haha.

until then i'm just gonna work on myself. HE has to find me. i'm done looking ;) peace out.

random

i have to say i'm really nervous for the upcoming holiday season. i am so stressed about my money and the presents i'm going to get. i haven't even gotten cards yet :/....i'm really pushin' it. blah. kill me. today pretty much sucked. it's been snowing and freezing rain all day and night. my car is blocked in by snow and it's frozen solid. i hate this time of year. this would be the perfect time to be somewhere in florida :D which brings me to miami!!! some of my friends and i are going to miami for new years. hells yes!! i'm sooo excited. i've never been to florida.....or anywhere. lol. i have to fly though and that makes me nervous. i haven't been on a plane in almost 13 years and i don't really remember what it's like. i just hope i can pull of saving my money for miami and still have money for christmas shopping....butttttt i think i'm pretty sure i can do it :/ hopefully. i'm gonna have to cut out a few shows i was planning on going to and end up going into work instead. blah....

oh. and i had the weirdest dream last night..... but i don't feel like typing details so........whatever :)

and i'm really hungry for a jack burger from tgi friday's....mmmmn. i hate living in this small ass town. gayyyyyyyyyyyy. nothing to do except go to the lame ass wannabe clubs and get drunk off your ass....hahaha.

and another thing :) the other day i when i was working i stopped at mobil to get a red bull---sugar free of course ;)....and ran into this dude i went to high school with that me and natalie saw at the club the night before...well, we start talking and he's like'where's natalie..blah blah blah. and then he said something about high school and i was like "yeah i know i went to school with you"...he was like you did? i was like 'uhhh yea....my name is nadia....veres??" whatever. fucking idiot redneck cowboy big fugly truck drivin' cheap beer drinkin' dumbass ;) he had no idea who i was after four years of seein me everyday. okie dokie....my eyes are droopy. i'm going to bed.

<333

You are never alone......God always listens

When it comes down to it, i'm realizing more about myslef now than i ever have before and surprsingly enough to me.....i'm fine with it.....and accepting it. There are people i have met that have changed me and my outlook on life and because of it i also feel i have a deeper connection with God. one 'incident' in particular totally opened my eyes in the sense that God IS real and he DOES listen. i know this now. and i can honestly say i am thankful.

this 'incident' i'm talking about oddly enooguh happend to be one of the best weekends i have probably ever had....from oct. 6-11 i was pretty much....on vacation. my best friend of 10 years was getting married in cinncinati so i drove from missouri to there for that, and the day after the wedding good charlotte was playing at the metro in chicago (and obvioulsy i was going to that). my friends and i have traveled all over to see them because it's like a big reunion with everybody from all over when we go to gc shows...ok. anyway. i had only planned on going to the shows in chicago and milwaukee, buuuuuuuuuuuuttt, kristin convinced me to go to detroit and coloumbus, so i did. i had only brought enough money to last those last couple days so i was strectching every dollar i could. by the time the coloumbus show rolled around i was completey out of money. i had used the rest of my credit line on my credit card. i had already over-drawn my account to get gas earlier and i had maybe $25 left. which was supposed to get me from coloumbus, ohio to the middle of missouri.

i know i didn't budget my money well and i'm a dumbass for going on an all out shopping spree in milwaukee spending over $100 on a purse and over $200 on clothes and shit. i know i fucked up there.

thankfully i have AMAZING friends and they bought me food and kristin gave me $20 for gas when we got to indianapolis (she lives there)....and from there it was all in the hands of God if i made it home. i had ZERO dollars. no gas. and my cell phone was out of minutes because i was using a minute phone at the time. i was just hoping and praying the whole time.

after not sleeping in almost 24 hours and driving for 10 hours straight......somehow in the middle of freaking illinois in the middle of nowhere and with cornfields for miles my tire blew. and i don't mean any oridinary flat. my tire pretty much like exploded from my car...i pulled over and i was like "that's just fucking great. what am i gonna do???" i was trying to remember back when my dad would change my tires for me and i would watch...i went i my trunk, moving my system, luggage and a bunch of other crap to get to the spare. once i got that i realized i had no idea how to jack up my car...i was soooooo deliriously tired i started crying uncontrollaby and trying to wave down people to help but NOBODY stopped to help me. i tried to figure it on my own in the freezing cold frigid windy morning.......i couldn't figure it out for the life of me and i just collapesed next to my car crying like i have never cried before praying to God asking him to send me somedody to help me..i kept saying that over and over again crying my eyes out not knowing what to do....

the next thing i know i look up and there is a man pulled over walking towards my car with the most comforting smile. he said "it looks like you could use some help?" i just noded and cried some more. and then he rubs my arm and says everything will be ok. this nice man fixes my tire for me and then asks me where i was from and i told him central missouri. he said i shouldn't drive that far on a doughnut so he tells me the next town over might have a used tire i can get for cheap. i start crying again and i say i don't have any money. the man then says he's gonna make some calls and see what he can do.

i follow him to the next town and turns out the man called his pastor and the church that he goes to got me a brand new tire for my car so i could go home. when the pastor came to the shop to tell me i couldn't stop crying. all he said was 'God bless you'..and smiled.

...................from this moment on i find myself more and more everyday thanking God and talking to Him more.

i know He was looking out for me that day and that fact that the man turned out to be a truck driver (which my mom is which also told me my Nanny was looking out for me) and the men that helped me were men of God. that moment completely changed me.

i think about them everyday i tell God i hope they know how much they've helped some random girl that they've never met. there are good people in this world. amazing people. and i am forutnate enough have to come across some of them and in a sense have them in my life.......

i wouldn't trade the experiences i have had for anything. i'm learning. i'm growing. i'm accepting. and even though i'm not exactly where i want to be in life or have my trure love yet.....or should i say they haven't found me ;).....i'm fine with that. i'll all come together and right now i'm taking it day by day just doing what God has planned for me.

i can't live here anymore. in this house. in this town. i'm not getting anywhere, i'm not accomplishing anything. maybe brenda is right....i should just pick up and move to north carolina and live with her and her husband in wilmington. brenda is the only person on this earth who understands me and LOVES me.....i know my family loves me but i'm talking in a different sense. i miss her so much. she came to missouri to visit a couple weeks ago and that was the first time we've seen each other in almost a year after having the same jobs and hanging out every day for over three years. i miss those times.

just a little bit ago i realized how much i miss her when my sister and i got into a really big argument and the first thing i did was call brenda. whenever that happened in the past i would just drive to her house and cry and talk...and she did the same with me....... i'm still a little shaky because of my sister. which is another story...........

my sister has an unpaid debt to me... $1200. and she never gave me any money towards it. wellllll......creditors have been calling and i got letter in the mail from a collections agency for $2000. i got really really pissed and showed her the letter and all she said was "so." omg....i lost it. i went off on her telling her that this is her debt and now my credit is getting fucked because she is irresponsible. then she lashed out at me calling me a fat cow blah blah blah....all the shit my mom used to say to me.....when she did that i just stood there looking at her in disbelief. i could not believe she said that. i was so hurt.....beyond words could explain. i went to my room and started crying uncontrollably. i found myself in the mind set of me, back when i was 15, listening to my mom say those things. i locked myself in my bathroom and had a panic attack. i couldn't stop crying. i was trying to do my makeup while getting ready for work and i couldn't keep my hands from shaking or my eyes from crying.....and i thought to myself "i can't go to work like this....how am i gonna work while crying and trying to concentrate on pizza???" then my cell phone rang, it was my coworker asking if he could work for me today......how ironic is that?? God was listening.....

i guess my sister heard me crying and came to see what was wrong. she looked at me and asked "why are you crying?"....i seriously wanted to slap her across the face. i said "are you seriously asking me that??" she said "i'm sorry," that when she gets angry she finds the meanest things to say to hurt people because she doesn't know how else to handle the situation. i explained to her...(while having a panic attack)...what it does to me when i hear those things, that mentally, i go back 7 years. she said she was really sorry and felt bad as soon as she said it, and asked me to forgive her. of course i did but it still hurts. people think my sister and i have a fucked up relationship. i dunno. maybe we do. but it works for us. she's the loud bitch who doesn't give a shit and i'm the soft hearted one who wants to make sure nobody's feelings get hurt. maybe that's my downfall. i care too much when nobody else does.

i need to move. in my heart i know i need to be somewhere else. brenda and brandon were thinking about moving to florida and want me to come with them if they do. (that's only if brandon gets out of the marines). i would love to go to florida. i've never been there. it's by the ocean and i love that :) hopefully by the new year i've moved and found a man ;).....only time will tell.

on my last nerve

lately i've been feeling let down and incredibly irritated by a lot of people in my life. sometimes i don't know who to turn anymore. my sister and her boyfriend owe me money for their portion of the cell phone bill. i added their phone lines to my plan to be nice so we could all keep in touch as long as she paid it and paid it on time.......well......our service got suspended because they didn't give my any money. they still haven't payed me for may or june. my portion of the bill has been paid for awhile now, but i can't get my service restored until the rest of the balance is paid.....they owe me $970. that's bullshit. they don't care about what i did for them and they also aren't taking into consideration that they're fucking up my credit and that my phone is all i have to get in touch with people.

i talked to her today and asked if she had the money and she said no. i was like "what the fuck!?!?!" i've been telling her for over two months. then she said "well, i'm not worried about getting the money to you in any hurry because you're not getting our lines turned back on." uhhhhhh....can you blame me!?!?!??! i am so pissed. how fucking incredibly ungrateful can somebody possibly be? i don't know what else to do. i love my sister to death but she can be the most ungrateful bitch at times, like now. so far i've been paying on it myself so i can get my service back, and when they do give me the money i'll just you use it to buy shoes or somethin ;)

all eyes on.....dog ears.

last sunday brandi, loren, kristin, and i went to the matches show at the creepy crawl.....ok.....lol.....during 'dog eared page', some random drunk dude is dancing around to his own music in his head being drunk and stupid. he then proceeds to take off his shoes and put them up to his ears (dog ears). this guy is disrupting my concert experience because he can barely stand and he's jumping around and screaming with his shoes to his ears. he keeps bumping into me and kristin and using us as crutch's so he wouldn't fall....kristin finally had enough of it so she took my water bottle and hit him over the head with it. he just looked around like he was lost...and kept doing what he was doing. he leaves for a few songs and then comes back during 'little maggots'......he still has his shoes off but this time his kind of rubbing his filthy shoes all over his face and slapping them together like he's a fucking seal..ar ar...lol....and then (the best part) he starts doing some matrix type dance leaning back and forth really slow. i missed most of the show because my attention was on the weird guy...lol....ahhh. fun times :)

overcoming obstacles....walking through snow.

the other day i had a very vivid dream that i was driving alone and all of a sudden it started snowing. i was watching the snow fall from my car and i remember thinking that it was so peaceful and beautiful........ and the next thing i know i'm walking uphill in melted snowy slush with cars driving really fast by me. this dream for some reason i remembered very well, i have no idea why. i hardly ever remember my dreams.

i remember back when i was in college i did a paper on dream interpretations for my psychology class and pretty much ever since then i've been trying to interpret my dreams, and i've found some pretty fascinating things that seem to be true. for instance....my dream with the snow signifies..... (i found this on a website)

"inhibitions, repressed/unexpressed emotions and feelings of frigidity. you need to release and express these emotions and inhibitions. you may also be feeling indifferent, alone and neglected. if the snow is melting then it suggests that you are acknowledging and releasing those emotions you have repressed. you are overcoming your fears and obstacles."

"to dream that you are watching the snow fall, represents a clean start and a fresh, new perspective. it is indicative of spiritual peace and tranquility. "
.....i find it very interesting that the snow falling signifies this because that's exactly how i remember feeling in my dream.

i also looked up 'walking' to see if that had any significance and this is what i found.....

"to dream that you have difficulties walking, indicates that you are reluctant and hesitant in proceeding forward in some situation. you may also be trying to distance yourself from certain life experiences. the difficulty in walking is a reflection of your current situation and the obstacles that you are experiencing."

that's really weird because when i think about it that sounds pretty true.

learning to live

this whole idea of a live journal kind of makes me nervous......i guess it's just knowing that people are reading about my deepest feelings and thoughts and forming an opinion about me. i've always written in a journal and hidden it away so nobody could find it and see how i was feeling or why i am the way i am. for so long i've kept everything bottled up. i've never talk about how i'm feeling, and i've never let it show......

it's very hard for me to open up to people and so doing this is quite challenging. i was thinking maybe it's a good thing...getting feedback from people who can relate....maybe that's what i've been needing this whole time. hearing from other people that i don't know that won't tell me what i want to hear.

for so long i've been living in a shell. it's been extremely hard for me to break out but i'm doing my best.....trying to find who i am and where i'm supposed to be in life, and at this point i feel like i've been sitting at a stop light for 10 years that has yet to turn green.

i guess all these feelings first stared about 10 years ago. my parents were on the verge of a divorce and my mom took all her anger and frustrations out on me. i'm not going to dump all this on my mom but i can't help it...i honestly feel it's because of her why i was like this. she would call me names you would never think a mother would call her own daughter. constant put-downs, disappointing looks, mean glares, never telling me she loved me....after hearing all of these things, and also not hearing.......day after day i started to think maybe that's what i really am, if my mother thinks it than it must be true. i would cry to my friends but they didn't know how i was feeling. their mothers were their best friends.....

this went on until i was 18 years old. i cried myself to sleep everynight praying that i wouldn't cry tomorrow....i looked forward to going to school...i was involved in tons of after school activities so i wouldn't have to go home and hear her yell and bitch at me. at that time i could honestly say that i hated my mom and i didn't love her....as harsh as it sounds that is how i truly felt. at that point in my life i felt like i had absolutely nobody..my dad was stationed in germany for 2 years because he was in the army...so i couldn't call...i would write letters begging him to come home....but i knew he couldn't. i would pray every night asking God to please have my dad stationed back in missouri so i could live with him...i guess God does listen because after all that praying one day my mom came in my room to tell me that my dad was being stationed back at fort leonard wood...my prayer was answered! i thanked God every minute.

even after moving in with my dad my mom still found a way to call and bring me down.....i couldn't take it anymore....so i just stopped talking to her. i was in such a major depression i couldn't bring myself to be happy about anything. it got so bad that my best friend suggested seeing a therapist...so i did. i saw her for a few months and started taking anti-depressants. for a while it worked, but then i didn't like the feeling the medicine gave.....like it was controlling me. i couldn't help but be happy...as much as wanted to feel sad i couldn't. i always had a smile on my face and it felt so fake. so i quite everything. i figured i needed to do it on my own. i then realized it was going to take a really long time but i had to do it.

it's been a couple years since all this and now i no longer have that depressed feeling....my relationship with my mom is better...we talk regularly and i visit every now and then....i've learned that forgiving my mom is one of the hardest things i've ever had to do.

i'm realizing now that maybe i went through this for a reason. i'm am very independent and strong now.....but now i'm getting to the point to where i just feel lonely and lost and confused....so many different emotions. i'm 22 and i feel like i'm wasting away. still living in missouri. boring. i have so many things that i would like to do...i just don't feel......motivated. i need a swift kick in the ass and some direction. my escape from reality is traveling and going to shows, meeting new people.......where i feel like i can be me...delivering pizza is not me!!....fuck that...i hate it! yeah i make money but i'm not happy with how i make it. the money i do make allows me to travel and go to shows, which makes me happy....kind of contradicting.....but true. sometimes i feel as if God created me just to deliver pizza to marines who don't tip because they need their extra cash for beer or strippers...i think about and i get so pissed off sometimes to the point to where i cry.

another big part of this is feeling lonely....i don't mind it, sometimes. i'm always by myself. i've learned to be ok with that...but that's one thing that i am most afraid of...being alone forever. i just want somebody to hold my hand and tell me i'm beautiful.....to look in my eyes and say i love you......

'you are the key to your own destiny'.......'seek and you will find'.....i know all this. i hear it, i read it. i just don't know where to start.