i may never find......

?

<3

without love i won't survive.

what do you do when love feels hopeless? when it feels completely out of reach.....you feel like you have nothing to live for.

being alone is getting old. i'm getting to the point to where i'm just frustrated with my heart and i just wanna rip it out so i don't have to feel anything. it seems like it would be so much easier that way......

confusion. doubt. trying to tell yourself what you feel isn't real, love isn't real.

i'm scared to fall in love, terrified actually. i'm afraid to let myself go, to let somebody in.

what makes me happy?

what makes me smile?

what makes me laugh?

i should probably be asking myself who instead of what......

tell me the truth even if it hurts me.

i now know the meaning of 'keep your friends close but enemies closer.'

no matter how good of a person you are or how kind of a heart you have there are always gonna be people who try to break you down and get the best of you.

i put my trust in somebody and told them things with complete honesty and faith that my feelings and thoughts were safe with them...........after hearing 'you can trust me'....'whatever you tell me stays with me'........and 'i won't think of you different' from someone you think you can trust that person. well, i did and i let my guard down. and this is the exact reason why i do not trust people easily and why i'm so bitter towards relationships and love.

this person used my words against me. and i almost lost a very very meaningful and dear friendship because somebody couldn't keep their mouth closed.

long story short.........i'm a stronger person than what i let on to be. there's a fucking brick wall surrounded by steel bars around my heart and nobody will break me down that easily. nobody thought i had the balls to ask about the truth but i did, and i asked. and i finally know what all the bullshit and drama was about.

it's very very hard to explain but my feelings and my heart were on the line and so were somebody else's and these shit talkers had no concern for what they were doing to US.

i'm over it now.......but in the things i see and in my heart i know the truth. God is with me. i asked Him for guidance and help towards the truth and now i know. God is good.

people need to give me more credit. for real.

outer beauty meets inner

for the past few weeks i have been noticing a difference in the way my coworkers act towards me. i feel like they look at me different and don't act the same. my manager has been trying to set me up with almost every guy that works there and honestly it kinda pisses me off.............he always tries to get us in the same part of the store alone or corner us off in the back and i feel like i'm being forced to like these guys that i have no feelings for. my manager keeps telling me that they get all flustered and can't talk around me, and i'm like "why?!?!" i'm a fucking nerd. i'm nothing special.

it's been driving me crazy with all this male secret insider shit that i called one of my best friends and asked him to please explain why everybody is acting like they do at work. come to find out they all, including my manager :o! have noticed how much i have physically changed. he pretty much told me that they all think i'm hot.....wtf. I am not hot. i've never been called hot nor do i even feel hot. i don't know how to handle all this attention and quite honestly i'm a little overwhelmed with emotion. i'm crying right now because what he told me i know came from his heart.

he said that he has noticed a difference in me since high school. my physical appearance and my attitude towards life. that i'm a happier person and i smile a lot more. he also said that i've always been beautiful but now people are starting to see what is on the inside and now it's showing on the out.

i don't know how to take all this in. i'm speechless. i guess there was a depressing kind of comfort always being the fat girl. people left me alone. guys didn't bother with me. i was the one guys acted like they wanted to get to know to get to my hot blonde friend. but now it's the other way around. i'm confused as hell. i don't know. i just thought maybe my clothes were getting so big on me because i stretched them out so much. lol. wtf. i'm confused. i don't know what to feel.

sometimes when i look in the mirror i still here my mom's voice calling me a fat pig and that i disgust her. wow.

i actually saw my mom yesterday. and she said it looked like i was withering away. holy hell. my mom actually said that.

my mind is going a million miles an hour right now.

i need to sleep this off.............

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the

serenity to accept the

things I cannot change,

Courage to change the

things I can, and

the wisdom to

know the difference.

today

is a good day.

as the rush comes

i'm scared of how much i can love. my heart is speaking to me now. i've never noticed it before. i've been feeling dead inside for so long, this feeling of............alive, is taking me over................ and i'm afraid i might push it away like i have with so many other feelings. i want this one to stay.

tonight natalie and i went out to the rockin' r for an hour or so,....... and with alll the pretty, skinny, over-done girls there, i was being told that i was beautiful, a new feeling for me to feel. i guess the fact that i'm halfway comfotable with myself shows, and people notice. i'm not used to people noticing me. i've always been the outcast; blending in with the faces. feeling like i have no identity..but my identity is me, and i know this now.

it's crazy thinking how much i've changed. only God knows what has happened and the events that have changed me. i love this. I. LOVE. i see beauty in everybody and everything. an open heart and an open mind is essential to live. there are only a few people in this world who know how i feel, and a couple of those people i may never have to opportunity to have a decent conversation with.

sometimes when you meet somebody there is something you see in them that is undeniable......almost addictive, and you can't ignore it. you try to look away, turn your attention elsewhere, but your mind is still in those eyes; your heart beats faster..................eyes. addictive eyes.

i admit when i meet guys i look for husband qualities. and if they don't meet those qualities i disregard them, maybe that's completely shallow of me, but my heart knows what i want and need. I'VE always known that there is more for me out there than what is here in this town. i've always had the feeling that God had a greater plan for me and that my life and love is not here. i've been feeling that way for years now and that feeling is becoming more and more apparent each and every day.

*it's you and me tonight..............leave it all behind. let's go for a ride.*

i smile everyday. i've never been in REAL love. i've never let it go that far. i guess because i knew deep down that "guy" wasn't the one...............................i dont' know (????)/ i confuse myself sometimes.............

i'm just going to see what God has in store for me right now. whatever happens................................................... happens. i'm ready.

one thing i've learned is never take yourself too serioulsy because where's the fun in that? you don't have to be an angel, just have fun, and most importantly, love :D.

i love love. eyes. sparkle. smile. light. movement. sing. laugh. smile. genuine. loyal. friendship. love. hear. speak. listen. awknowledge. accept. beauty. life. music. words. glances. touch. passion. faith. heart. travel. sounds. feel. addiction. learn. love.

love.

my niece tatyana.

a reason to smile.

tests on my heart

"I don't want you to save me, cause what if you did?Then you would succeed, and then you'd get bored and leave.I'd be back at square one, and that is such a bad place to begin." tests on my heart- Umbrellas

square one. that would suck.......for me at least. i never want to go back to the way i used to feel or think. i never in a million years would've thought that it would be possible for me to say that I am happy. life isn't as bad as i made it out to be. God was testing me. i know this now. i needed to figure things out on my own and look for the person i was hiding from................ myself.

i use to hear the saying " you have to know and love yourself before anybody else can"....alllllllllll the time. and i never believed it to be true. i always thought "why?" people go into relationships without loving themselves all the time and their significant other helps bring out the good in them............................................ or so i thought.

i didn't love myself before. i SAID i did....all the time, but i really didn't. i was lying to myself and everybody around me. i realize if i was in a relationship a year ago, i wouldn't have been happy or have been able to make someone else happy. because i know now that i didn't know ME, or love me.

i was talking to natalie about this the other day and she feels the same way. i explained to her that i, in general, am a much happier person. God is in my life, He always has been, i just never awknowleged Him. when we were talking i mentioned the "you have to love yourself.........." and we got to talking. when you go into a relationship and you don't know yourself you become dependant on the other person to make you happy because you don't know any other happiness within yourself, you'll end up becoming that other person. you need to know what makes YOU happy first and discover what you love and what you're passionate about!! I'M LEARNING this very thing. omg. my brain hurts.

i don't NEED somebody to make me happy. it would be nice to share experiences with somebody you care about. hopefully one day that will happen.......................................love could be good.

i seriously don't know where all this is coming from......the depths of my heart i guess. I'M COMING OUT OF HIDING!! :)

life doesn't suck. i'm realizing now that living in this town isn't ALL that bad. yeah i would LOOOOVE to go somewhere else, but for now here is good. i'm content. natalie and i are moving in together this summer......it'll be good. it's about that time................. i'm anxious and nervous. right now i live at home yet i live alone.......it's weird. it's just my dad and we work different parts of the day. i do what i want here. i buy groceries. cook. clean. do laundry. i maintain my car and bills. i just live here......lol.

i never knew love before. i didn't even know if it was real........with my family, myself, or someone else. i do know the time i've been spending by myself reading, and praying, and talking.....................................listening. HEARING. has so far been the best of my life.

*things are gonna change now for the BETTER*.....................yes.

(thank you stephen)

<3

my ears are happy

.current musical favs.


umbrellas- boston white, ships, & tests on my heart

kate havnevik- kaleidoscope

dredg-not that simple

this day & age- second place victory & the bell and the hammer

bloc party- i still remember & sunday

acceptance- so contagious

incubus- dig & echo

anberlin- paperthin hymn & (*fin)

the almost- amazing because it is

meg & dia- nineteen stars

silversun pickups- rusted wheel

maria taylor- xanax

young love- nameless one

sleeping is overrated.

once again.........5:45 am and i'm awake. the past few nights i have not gotten any decent sleep. my mind is going even after i close my eyes. i toss and turn and try to focus on sleeping but my mind won't stop, and even after i do fall asleep, i dream of what was keeping me awake.

God is sending my signs in everything. more-so than i have probably ever seen. and for once i'm alert and i know...........i believe everything happens for a reason; there is no such thing as a coincidence.

you really DO have to know and love yourself before anybody else can. i think back and i wonder if i was in a realtionship with the mentality i had back then compared to what i know now, nothing good would've come out of it. i pushed people away when they started to get too close to me......friends and guys. i guess there was a comfort dating militay men knowing that they would only be here for a short period.....b/c after here they moved on. i kept myself guarded wayyyyy too much. i was scared. i hated myself. i thought God hated me. --->i honestly don't why i ever thought that. i always asked God "why me?"......"why does my mom hate me?....why doesn't she ever say she loves me?"

i wanted to hear 'i love you' so bad sometimes i would cry. some people use the word "love" too loosely. it holds too much emotion and meaning for me (i do not say it unless i truly mean it).

i'm past that now. i dwelled on what my mom thought of me for so long and i got lost in her negative words. i didn't know what else i could possibly be, or even become.

i do know i am myself......... still searching. still learning. all it took for me to realize this were inspirational words from an eye opening post from a friend, and that forever changed my life.

i will sleep well.

concert memories/survey thing.

i found this on a girl's myspace and it looked fun......something different for a change :)

CONCERT SURVEY

FIRST CONCERT ATTENDED:
SUGAR RAY lol.

WHAT YEAR WAS IT AND HOW OLD WERE YOU? may 31, 2002 my 18th birthday.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO GO TO A CONCERT WITH A PARENT, AND WERE YOU EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT? nope. never had to.

WHAT OTHER CONCERTS HAVE YOU BEEN TO? omg a bazillion. i've seen over 100 bands....it'll take too long to list.

WHAT CONCERTS DO YOU WANT TO SEE THAT YOU HAVEN'T? i would like to see snow partol. INCUBUS......the shins! that would be awesome..... imogen heap. and paul wall. a bunch others probably. i'm always up for a concert. maybe something a little bit more on the chill side for a change. or even tim mcgraw or rascal flatts :) totally.

HAVE YOU SEEN ANY BANDS MORE THAN ONCE? WHO ARE THEY, AND HOW MANY TIMES? i've seen ALOT of bands more than once......but the most is Anberlin=13 SOTY=9 Good Charlotte=8 Bleed the Dream=8 Classic Crime=7

HAVE YOU EVER MET ANY BANDS, AND IF SO, WHO? i've met pretty much every band i've seen, kind of, with the exception of the random bands i've seen on warped and didn't have the opportunity too....................

DO YOU HAVE ANY SIGNED MEMORABILLIA FROM SHOWS, AND IF SO, WHAT? ummmmm....i have signed concert stubs and cd inserts from SOTY, NFG, GC, MEST, MCS, OK GO, BTD....blah blah.......oh! and good charlotte signed my parking ticket that i got in ohio when i was in the show :D good times, they laughed.

DO YOU BUY SOMETHING (OTHER THAN YOUR TICKET, OF COURSE) WHEN YOU SEE SHOWS? i hardly ever buy merch. i might randomly grad a sticker or something.....or if i like a band i haven't seen before i might get the cd then. that's about it.

WHAT IS THE MOST YOU'VE EVER PAID FOR CONCERT TICKETS, AND WHO WERE THEY FOR? either taste of chaos or gc in canada.

HAVE YOU EVER WON CONCERT TICKETS, AND IF SO, FOR WHAT CONCERT? never won tickets.....i've on the guest list a couple times though. if that counts :)

WHAT IS THE BEST CONCERT YOU'VE EVER BEEN TO? anberlin....obvs. soty. good charlotte is good; i don't care what anybody says, i like em better in concert tho. saosin. madina lake. greeley. CLASSIC CRIME!! :D & CHEVELLE!! shiny toy guns was awesome..meg & dia (sooo cute on stage......me and natalie talked to them in the bathroom at the creepy -random..lol) still remains was insane; that's all i can say about that :P

WHAT IS THE WORST? omg maxeen in houston....sorry to any maxeen fans but i wanted to shoot myself. LOOOOONGEST 30 mins. of my life. i seriously slept. my bad :

HOW FAR IS THE FURTHEST YOU'VE TRAVELED TO SEE A CONCERT? wow...ummm how bout 12 hours to toronto canada. or just about the same to houston. and then cincinnati is next, but that's only maybe 8 hrs including the time difference. i'd drive there again. what can i say, i like to travel/drive/see new places & faces :)

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CONCERT VENUE? love the creepy, it's small and intimate. i also like warehouse live in houston, it smells good in there. bogarts is fun. i like the area the granada is in (lots of shopping and cool like shops to look in)...........the one in columbus ohio on the campus (can't remember the name)---->there's an urban outfitters and starbucks right around the corner :) Oh! and the blue note. lots of fun memories there :D

DO YOU SAVE YOUR TICKET STUBS? yup.

WHAT IS YOUR FONDEST CONCERT MEMORY? anything anberlin and talking to stephen. sneaking in to see trapt : lol. natalie breaking her hand in the pit during soty. getting drunk with bleed the dream. loosing my car keys in the pit in tulsa during anberlin (not good, but security found them for me) ......advice on men and other random stuff from justin from the classic crime. brenda getting her eyebrow split and a bloody nose during still remains. and also----can't forget this!!!! being in the 'live in the lou' (soty) dvd!! yup :)

DO YOU HAVE ANY CONCERTS COMING UP? bleed the dream next week and then none till warped in dallas :)

i don't know what to title this post (??) i'm so drunk and sad right now i don't care...

if you say something than mean it. don't say it then completely do another............i'm am sooooooo currently pissed off right now i don't even know where to begin.

well............................ for starters. it's 7:45 am and i'm stilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll awake/drunk....again. kill me. i can't cry anymore. it's so much work. i just want to love. love. i love to love. it's me. that is me. yes or no yes or no. just tell me the fucking truth. i don't want to cry. i can handle the damn truth.

nobody has ever broken me down like you have.

foolish.

natalie passed out before me. my best friend. trust. trust. loyalty. that's all i ask. friends forever.

cry. who knew that 23 would be such a journey. God knows me. He knows all my hopes and dreams....................................

i feel like i'm loosing my sister. i don't talk to her harldy anymore. i miss my niece more than anyting in this world...................................................i wonder if anybody can relate??

it's a struggle to keep in touch with her. i just want to hold tatyana and play with her and watch the backyardigans. without the birth of her i would be a totally different person. i see life through a child's eyes. amazing. i can love again. i can love.

if hope could only find me out......................................................

nobody understands.

i wish my mom would ask about me. what i want and desire in life...........but instead alllllllllllllllll she talks about when i speak with her is sonia and tatyana and how i NEED to talk to some sense into sonia and make her realize!!!! what the hell..........i'm no saint. does anybody care at all>???

nobody cared in high school. i hated high school..........................---->the worst years of my life.

it's my nature to love. i guess i get that from my dad....my dad is the most understanding most kind hearted person i've ever know in my life. and for that my dad will always be my hero. everybody makes mistakes.

i want to be a kid again...................... go back to the times where i would build a fort in the woods and bury my barbies in the garden under the tomato plants. :) those times are over. the times when i thought my parents loved each other. the times when we went on family picnics and went to six flags.

i never want to fall out of love........my mom said that her and my dad got a divorce because they 'fell out of love'..........who falls out of love??? ........................my parents. i NEVER want that to happen. never. i'm passionate. nobody will probably ever know that. SMILE!!!

things are changing. I am changing for the better. i love myself. i love God. i always have.........it's just becoming more relevant now.

i'm never letting go of this feeling.

realizing. knowing. accepting. loving.

why am i crying? there has been so much on my mind lately i don't know how to deal with it all.....................family drama. realizing alot about myself. jelousy. i don't know. i feel lost. hopeless in this state of mind. it probably doesn't help that i'm currently kinda drunk. i've been drinking.

i need to talk. nobody will listen. if i talk i'm complaining.

my mom just told me, acutally, she sent me an email and she mentioned that when i was in the hospital years ago.......8 years ago when i was in high school i had a severe asthma attack and almost died.......pretty much. i kept blacking out because i wasn't breathing...blah blah blah. anyway. my mom said that when i was in the hospital she called my tato (grandpa) to tell him that i was very sick...........and he didn't care. he didn't call to check on me or to see how i was doing. --->i never knew that.

my best friend who lived in germay at the time even made the time to call me. i never knew he didn't care. i kinda figured that seeing that none our family has spoken to him in almost 10 years...........................................................................................i don't know where i was going with this. (???????????????????)

i think i'm scared. of the future. not knowing what's ahead. i always plan ahead....eveything's on the calendar written down so i don't forget; i know what's gonna happen. concert. work. conert. work. groceries. concert. work. work. work. work. work. concert. blah. drunk. i'm not gonna fucking post this.

lame.

my candle just burned out.

i've made lifestyle changes. some people notice. i guess that's good. i've lost weight. alot i guess. my mom's proud of me for once in my life; she says i'm too pretty to be "heavy" and that i deserve to look like a million bucks. i don't know. i think i might believe her. it's hard to tell. seeing that she called me a fat worthless pig all througout high school..... (???) it's too much to take in. i don't know how to put into words how i feel. it sounds so good in my head and i try to say it and everything i say is blah blah blah. nothing. whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

i never knew this was a part of life. knowing myself. learning about myself. loving. accepting. it's all overwhelming. i need a new car. mine is about to die. i drive wayyyy too damn much. my mind is totally wondering. i can't think straight. i'm listening to depressing music. lame shit. beer.

sometimes i wonder how some people can have life so figured out. like.........what did they have to experience in life to get there>>??? i don't know.....as for me i don't want to 'figure' life out. that would be boring. i hate boring. am i boring?? that would suck if i am. my foot is asleep. lol....i'm actually not laughing out loud. why did i put that?

i'm listening to kate havnevik. i don't know the relevance to this. kaleidoscope. this is gonna be the longest most pointless post ever in history of post posting.

i still can't believe how far i've come in the last year. i don't hate myself or life anymore. sometimes i think back to a few years ago and i wonder how i ever got so depressed. well, i know how but, that's another story.


this all makes me sound emotionally/mentally unstable. but i'm not. i swear. i've just been needing to get this out. i've been keeping it in for so long and i think for all these years it what has been keeping me down. i'm accepting my past and using it to better my future. that's how i see it. hopefully somebody else does too.

quote

kaleidoscope

for the past few days this is the only song i have been listening to......

you cut me out in little stars

and place me in the sky

i loose my sense of time

you know me

how troubled i can be

but through your kaleidoscope

i let go

cause you show me

the world as it could be

through your kaleidoscope

it's beautiful

a tingle travels up my spine

a cluster of colours entwine

as we melt into one

you know me

how troubled i can be

but through your kaleidoscope

i let go

cause you show me

the world as it could be

through your kaleidoscope

it's beautiful

kaleidoscope - kate havnevik

--the rest of the album is as equally amazing, but this song and also "i don't know you" are currently my favorites :)

inspired.

"you change someone's life whether you see it or not............"

the beauty of a wrong turn.

a couple weeks ago natalie and i were driving home from a friends outside of columbia and we ended taking a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in a town called hermann......which is about 70 miles outside of st. louis. we were supposed to be heading west on i44 but instead were north on hwy 19....beats the hell outta me...lol.

so we made the most of it and came across some absolutely beautiful scenery. we took advantage of the situation and stopped and took pictures and just took in the surroundings....who new that places like this existed in missouri?? so our two hour drive home turned into almost 4 hours and we were both about 45 minutes late for work that night because we were so lost, but it was totally worth it. i love seeing new places :)

we loved this place so much that today we drove allllllllllll the way back up there just to see the town again, which is an old german town with cute wine shops and vintage bed and breakfasts along the missouri river. we stopped and ate at a place called tappers grill and since we were somewhere new i decided to try something different off the menu. i ordered a sunset wheat beer type drink which is unlike any other beer i've had and is really good, it had a fruity/citrus-y flavor to it and they served it with a slice of orange! soooooo good. they also served the most delish homemade whole grain bread i have ever had.

i tried the house special soup which was the tomato basil and i must say that was the best soup i have ever had i my life. no joke. i licked the bowl clean...lol. that was the best food i've ever eatin ever! i then ordered the gilled chicken sandwhich on ciabatta bread. it had sauted onions, pepperjack cheese, tomotoes, and lettuce on it...omg. and i also got a side of coleslaw. BOMB ASS COLESLAW!!! mmmmmmmn :D i'm definately going back there.

i'm probably overreacting to the food situtaion but i don't care. i'm tired of eating the same old ruby tuesday and subway bull-shizz and this was a total change of pace and i had fun with natalie, jake, and mary today. :D yay for new adventures.

i want to go to portland. i was watching rachel ray's tasty travels on the food network and in that episode she was in portland and it made me want to go there for the coffee/food experience. one day i'll make my way over there.

unspoken words

i see you.....
in my thoughts. in my dreams. in my shadows on the street.
i can't escape you. you're everything i want and need.

i know one day all of this confusion will subside.
and that is the day. the day you will be mine.

all hoplessness aside. i can finally smile.
you bring out the best of me....
i've just been hiding for awhile.

i want you. i need you.
i'm just kidding myself.
so many others.
i'm just another face in the crowd.

but i can't help those eyes.
that bedroom stare.
you could be something good for me.
save me from myself.

i need love.......sweet attention.
make me feel whole.
i need to be accepted.

i've been alone for so long.
i'm so used to the feeling.
bring something new into my life.
i need heeling.

the eyes sparkle. the soul shines.
i let my feelings get the best of me.
quit cryin............

you've said it before and i'm sure you'll say it again.
"you need to love yourself before you can love another"
but is that really the plan???........

some people just need that extra something to get them by...
are you that extra, that i need in my life??

i guess one person could never know what God has in store for them.
i'm just along for the ride. with my eyes open wide.

see me.

sometimes i wish i could just prove that i go deeper than i seem. i have more to me than just random smiles and jokes. i want somebody to look in my eyes and really see me......me.

i'm not an angel.

i can love with all that i am.

is anybody out there?

wow. for some reason it seems like things are starting to come together....kind of, or not. last week at work i had this total meltdown/breakdown/crying session......it literally came out of nowhere.

so my boss takes me in the office and puts on his psychologist front and starts to analyze my problems..lol. at the time i didn't think it was funny. but at that moment i realized something about myself......(btw this has nothing to do with this but i'm am looooving this new 19" flat screen monitor i have goin here.... :D i can see for miles and don't have to go blind starrin' at the puter.)...............................anywayyyyyy. what i realized was that i have a problem opening up and letting out my feelings. it is sooooo hard for me to express how i'm feeling or try to explain my emotions inside. i guess deep down i think that people are gonna think i'm crazy and that i shouldn't have those feelings. i also think a major part of it goes back to the times with my mom.

even though those times are long gone they still hang heavy in my head.

i've just been feeling worthless because i stilllllllllll live at home and work (what i think) is not a respectable job. i'm tired of pizza. the word pizza. the smell. the taste. the look . the shape.

DELETE!

i can't think. everything that i'm thinking isn't coming together so it makes sense here.

i just wish i could talk to someone and let everything off my chest and tell them my hopes and dreams and wishes without worrying about having to be judged or having them say "well you should do this".....or "that".....or "move out"... duh. i want to . it's not that easy. i've been alone my whole life and i'm used to that. i like being secluded, alone......i think.

help.

i keep listening to the unwinding cable car over and over. and over. when i'm listening to it i can't hear anything else. the words are like, slapping me in my face.

.hear what the silence screams.

.listening for voices but it's the choices that make us who we ARE.

why am i so confused. sometimes i wish i had everything figured out. God talks to me. i know it. i hear it. i see it. in little things. in situations........when i'm alone.

sometimes i feel alone because of THAT. noboby takes God seriously anymore. Why?? i try and talk to my friends but they don't understand. i know they don't....nor do they care. i can tell.

i know i don't do or say the God-liest of things but that doesn't make my any less of a believer.

----->HELLO ALONE<-----

.....the other day when i was working 3 marines came up to me....2 in their cammies and the other in civvies. the guy in his civvies who introduced himself as ryan asked me out of nowhere if i had ever been to california. i was kind of caught off guard but said no. and asked why...

lol....he said i have a hollywood look to me. that i have a very fresh now look...lol. i didn't know what to say. i wanted to say something smart-ass because i thought i was lookin rough and my domino's uniform isn't the sexiest...lol.

but at the same time i was very flattered. i asked him why he thinks that and he said he grew up in the hollywood area his whole life but decided to join the marines. he also mentioned that alot of girls in this area...in his opinion (which i agree too)....are too overdone, that their makeup is too heavy and trampy. he said i did my makeup very well and it looked amazing!

i was severely taken back. WOW. if that isn't a compliment i don't know what is :D

he said i should follow my dreams and stop for nothing.

this post is getting long and pointless. blah blah. i'm excited for next sunday.

i'm outtie.

<3